Bit Of A Cutie

How clear are Clairvoyants

2008-06-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

Hey Puppies, I went to see a Clairvoyant. Its actually the 3rd time I have seen one in my life time and the 2nd time in as many months.

The first time I saw one was when I was 21. It was a time in my life when I was lost. My Heart had been broken continuously for 4 years, by the same person. I was 20 kilos overweight (I blame that on him too LOL). I didnt have a job or any idea of what I wanted to do and I was living with my mother. So a little psychic intervention couldnt do any harm. So me and a bunch of freinds decided to go for fun.

She knocked my socks off. My father, who cheated on my mother when my brother and I were children, died when I was 12. My brother was the lead singer of a band. I had a termination when I was 17 and my mum had an almost fatal car accident when I was 20.

She told me that my father watches over me and said that he apologises for being a vagabond when I was younger. She told me that the first place he went when he passed over was the ocean. He lay there as the waves lapped over his feet. She also told me that he stands in the back of the room watching my brother play his guitar and sing, and is so proud of him. She asked if I had a child. At that time I didnt. She was convinced I did and then proceeded to tell that that my unborn child is now living amongst the angels and she loves me (which no doubt blew my mind). After all that she advised that mum may never walk on her own again but she sees her with a walking frame, and that she will never give up.

I was shocked to say the least!

This time round my readings were based on the future. She described the man I am seeing now to a tea. She had warnings about him and things I need to watch out for but also advised that all relationships have there weak spots and a good relationship is one with compromise and commitment. However, she also told me that there Is someone else and that in 6-8 months I am going to be in a positon to choose between the two. This other man has light brown hair and was apparently standing in my door way naked....Yuss!!!! LOL SO I guess we will see, but I am going to give Cliff all of my care and attention, as I would normally.

The most promenant part of my readin was about money. She is adamant that I am going to be super rich.....Yuss! She said I have been working on many things, tirelessly and she is so right. I have building websites. Websites that I hope will eventually help others. More about this as it comes together.

So a kinda boring update but one that may become very very interesting in 6-8 months LOL

Lets see shall we :-)

Hmmm Falling in like?

2008-06-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

Well it has been sometime since my last entry. Theres is a very good reason for this......I have been falling in like. I met the guy....we wined dined and quite involuntarily started falling in like. I say involuntarily because I for one count, I usually dont go for guys such as our African love making machine....Ha Ha!

Ladies! We may have a winner LOL

Allsorts of other stupid things have been happening aswell....a couple of sneaky melt downs, tested friendships, fat days and the mildest of anxiety attacks, but I get on top of them pretty quick now. I have learnt to be patient and calm in eagerly heated moments. Its freakin hard, but with some patience and a fab friend to explode to.....things soon fall happily into place. Oh and Im moving to the city. About an hour 30 from here. Im nuts I tell but dont see much good happening if I stick around here.

So back to the boy. Hes amazing. Hes wonderful and I hoping he dont ever read this blog ..... Ahh! So he adores me. He calls me hot and beautiful all the time. He cant keep his hands off me for too long. He brought his friends to my house to meet and said, "see I told you she is sexy". Oh and no shit they agreed. Ahh! He askes after my boy all the time and they got on really well when they met.......and he wants come down and help me move. By the way, it just so happens that this new man lives in this city I am moving to. You need to believe me when I say....this is in no way the reason for me moving there....ok? Honeslty!

So anyway....I have suspected that I have liked him increasingly since our first date but really did not presue him. Infact I was kinda not even going to see him again. So I think you get the picture re: Involuntarily falling for him.

Hes coming down to stay tommorrow, and we are going to be doing the domesticated thing I guess. Lets see how this goes, but no plans to get married and have babies yet LOL. Well none that I have told him about.........................oh shit. That reminds me.....

I so threw him a curve ball. I asked him what hed do if I got pregnant.....and do you know what his answer was? Pop open the champagne and get into daddy mode! No shit.....so more to come I guess....ahhh!

Falling in love....

2008-05-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

I have found peace........and its sad that I had to let go of things that ment so much to me in order to do it! But I have! I have been seeing a hypnotherapist. He told me to let go......he told me my job is to enrich the life that I have bought into this world. He said I need to take care of myself first and then my son. I have never been able to do that because I felt so responsible for everyone else. I have built my business and taken care of the things. I have not listened to others peoples opinion on what is good for me and done what have felt is right. I am so at my best when im on my own. Its not lonely because I have freinds and family that I call upon in my times of need and party with when I need a blow out.......lets just say all I have done is weed my garden.

When I was in Australia I met someone.........not someone from Oz but someone that was on a website....a dating website....I just let myself go. He wasnt really my type but I thought hes lovely....so why not? and I gave it a go. We have been texting each other and getting to no each other. We are such an unlikely match....yet we are perfect for each other.... How can you fall for someone you never met????? easy! To begin with the relationship is all about emotion and communication. We talk about our wants and needs and desires. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. Sincere, caring, thoughtful, giving and at the same time he too aches for the right woman to walk into his life. All of those things we have in common.....needing someone for our selves, longing for someone to understand us, someone who is only for us, someone to come home to at night, and someone that understands our needs in the bedroom......sweet, loving, caring, gentle and adventure without disrespect. We want someone who is always on our side....someone to give us strength when we are weak and someone who has the same desire for a prosperous future. We have such different backrounds and yet the same ideals. He is so close to his family yet they are so far away from eachother, and no matter what I do I cant seem to get along with mine and they live down the freaken road. He is from Africa....Kenya to be exact! I am 31 he is 27. He is a student in law and I am a woman of the world, yet, in saying that I believe he has really seen alot more then he lets on. He is single and free and I am a single mother with a 5 year old child. It seems so far fetched yet feels like fate....is it him....is he the one? The answer to my prayers??? He seems to be and I guess our meeting next Friday will tell. Our first date...a movie and then dinner....I guess I wont know until I let myself go???

Only time will tell :-)

Fun Party Time in Melbourne, Australia

2008-05-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

Well, Well, Well. Positivity is the winner on the day. I printed out some wicked stuff that I have been studying, all about snapping out of misery and having a ball. Im gonna past it in here now:

Oh I cant im tooooooooo wasted. He He!!!

So after my last blog I went out and checked out little Melbourne. We have had such a crazy time here and I love it!!!! Truly!!! This is what I love. Going out for dinner, Hanging out with my lil brother and his family here, seeing my son having a great time, Watching how excited my lovely lil cousin gets when shes buying new things, or experiencing new things.......or jumping up and down after having a crazy night with her crazy cousin.......

We are staying at the Marriot in the central city of Melbourne. We first went to this scummy place that was habouring criminals and another place that was riddled with hookers and druggies. Not the best idea for accommodation for a 5 year and his wee lovely mama. So thought FUCK THIS and booked me and my family into a 5 star Hotel. Honestly if your looking for a great non stressful time with loads of fun and the ownly thing you need to worry about is where your going for clothes shopping then 5 star hotels are for you. For crying out load.....save 6 thousand dollars and come for a week of food shopping dancing and wines. I am deffinatly coming back here and having another go :-)

SO we had an amazing night out for donner by the river....it was called automatic in Southbank. We watched huge balls of burning hot flames blast into the sky and warm our bodies in the cool air. We ate woodfire pizza and drank pints of Stella. My cousin made me skull a pint.....crazy Beetch......(ozzy Slurr) The lil boys went for a walk along the pier while us girls did some boozed last minute shopping at Perfume Connection. Then rolled home in our rented car and tucked in the boys with there uncle and hid out the front of our luxurious 5 star hotel smoking ozzie buds......I am in the business centre at the hotel listening to my cousin (17) falling in love with a 47 year old whom she is best friends with his daughter, and have never ever seen her this happy.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Im about to finish this blog!

Next? I think crazy room service and snuggles with my lil boy!!!!

I like myself :-) Lots!

The Big Crash and Burn

2008-05-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

I am such a Drama Queen Man. I am in Melbourne and I really really like it here. There have been times that have been hard though. Real hard........and do you know what? Most of them can be sorted via communication. It does take two but if you dont share how you are feeling with someone they will never no. So I approach a few people about a few things and it was such a relief. Iv decided that if you cant talk to the people that are close to you, about how you feel, then whats the point of having them close to you?

I am a good person and I just have to keep reminding myself of that sometimes......Im always in self doubt. Some people use it a s an oppurtunity to lift there own self doubt and it pisses me off........hard out! So.......share with those that you love and if they arent recpetive and sincere then boost baby!!!! Next!

SO Melbourne is fantastic. I love this City....even with all its needles in St Kilda and its woman bashing in The Victoria Hotel :-(

I have been doing a little shopping, spending time with family. Watching my beautiful baby boy swim and yahoo with his friends. Wined and Dined.......oh and a few activities aswell. FUNTYMS!! My Little brother is amazing and wonderful and hard to handle at times, but I want him to accept me how I am. Best I do the same.

My cousin came with me on holiday, she is amazing. She s fun helpful loving reasuring.....one of those people in your life that you know you can count on no matter what.

I had a wee meltdown last night re: not feeling safe and a little scared in a big town (3 foot 8") in the Middle of Melbourne Australia, with my 5 year old son surrounded by uncertainty and big freaken people. I called my gurl in NZ. I was out of ideas and needed someone to tell me what to do. And she hooked me up. You know how there are people in your life that genuinly love you and want for you to happy and safe. She is genuinly one of them.

So Im of to get all dressed up and explore more of the crazy city.

More to come xox..............................

My Positive Formula

2008-04-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

I am not interested in negativity, I am focused on positivity. Postivity brings progress, forward movement, happiness and satisfaction, where you will attract like minded people. Negativity keeps you at a stand still, in a negative environment, where you will attact other negative people, and in turn never progress.

This does not mean that I am a better person it merely means that I want for better things.

It is sad that there are people in my life that I am ment to be close with but cannot, for these very reasons. This is not to say that we will never be close again, it just means that we are in different places in our journey of discovery, and the forces of positive and negative are fighting a battle that cant be won, without one changing....giving into the other. I want what positivity brings. I have chosen my path and them theres. These outcomes have come about because of our personal preferences for which we live.

I have struggled for so long in this battle between negative and positive, with a genuine purpose of allowing my positivity to florish and impress upon others its beauty. Sadly, it has had the reverse effect and I found myself in a foriegn and dark place, it won me over instead.

I have found myself again. It will take work, faith, a sound sense of purpose and sincere gratitude for what I have gained to continue on this positive journey but I am commited to it, as I know well the feeling of success, happiness, love, peace, confidence and contentment, and I hunger for it again :)

I am happiness.......and today I have discovered what I am doing right :)

Time to make some changes

2008-04-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

So! I took on the mother role. Where I fixt everyones everything....and everyone used it when required and leaned on it when they needed to and now ...... dont want it. Where does that leave me? I dont actually want to carry there bullshit but thier careless disregard has cut deep. I dont feel the need to wallow in it, but do have times when I am reminded of that betrayal. Now that I have discovered that I am not in control of other peoples thoughts, choices and actions, it has become clear to me that I need to spend some time on my own.
I have had enough of thinking about it.....I have had enough of being angry about it and I have had enough of worrying about it......I just want to get back to simplicity (if that is possible) You know I read once in my horoscope that I have lots of special accquantences in my life.....not soooooooooooooo many close and constant besties. There are a couple of specials but I always feel let down by them.....and I think its because my expectations are so high. Just because they arent at my bekon call does not mean that they love me any less then I love them. We all have different Ideas on what love is and what actions are acts of love. But because of my tendancy to get hurt, when my idea of love is not recipricated....I need to become more independant and less dependant......which is hard because I have an incredibly challenging disabilty and an adorable son. And honestly I beleive I am just about as independant as I can get. But I need to decide...do I risk being let down or do I work even harder. And honestly the answer to that for me is.....work harder.
I have wanted this freedom for soooooooooooo long and now instead of beating myself up for not being a perfect human being....I am going to embrace this freedom. Learn from it and move on. I am going to focus on my dreams........and what are my dreams you ask???? Oh where do I begin!
I am going to be strong and healthy.....so I wanna be Hot!!! LOL
I am going to marry a good man who will think of my son as his own (maybe even have more children)
I will be successful in business
I will be wealthy and be able to anything I want, whenever I want it
I will have people around me that bring the best out in me not the worst
and I say these things like this because I have faith, something I thought that I had lost. No matter how naughty I am or what choices (bad?) I make, hes always waiting for me to see him.....acknowledge him and love him. My heavenly Father.
So somethings are about to change.....one day at a time. And I am looking forward to it! I am going to focus on me and my dreams. What does Jacqui want???? and then Ima go get it........"some things seem miles away from my grasp, but I will never reach then if I dont start putting one foot infront of the other". My new moto.
If I want to be strong and healthy (Hot) then I need to start eating healthy 95% of the time and excercising 3 times a week, at least.
If I want to get marry to a good man then I need to start being those things that would attract a good man.
If I want to be successful then I need to learn read try and be consistant with my projects
If I want to have money then I need to work for it and believe that I can have it all
If I want to have good people around me, then I need to be a good person :)
Is it really that easy???? Lets see shall we xox
I am so happy......Im starting to get an idea on what im doing right......:)

So far so good :)

2008-04-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

Well it kinda worked.....I woke this morning refreshed. I admired my son and checked myself out (not to bad LOL) Then set off on my day. There has been a few things that kinda got me stuck but I have discovered that I am strong and I can be confident I just have to beleieve in myself more. Trust my choices and dont beat myself up for making mistakes. Everyone makes them and those that try to squash you because you are only human arent worth I 2nd of my precious time :) Especially when there are other more important and fun things I could be doing with it like............ Hanging out with my amazing son, working on my business and laughing with a freind! Living and Loving!!!
Be great if I thought excercise was fun....but I dont, which explains my big ass. You no its not grose. Its big but I get compliments on it all the time. But if I want to keep it like that Ima have to start being a bit more active about keeping it....maintaining it! Which is an ongoing saga. However I do have a plan....fill ya in sooooooooooon ;)
So all in all today was good. People say take one day at a time, but when suffering from depression, and suffering from family disfunction syndrome....Its more like take one minute at a time......my super freaken high maintenance life........I had a smile on my face most of day so I rekon I must be heading in the right direction.

Tired of being crapt on

2008-04-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on. Things seem to be falling to peices around me. I feel lyk iv lost myself, who I am....lost my confidence and im always in self doubt. I need to find things that I can focus on, things that are good for me. Things that will enable me to carry on, even with these clouds that constantly hang over my head.
Iv fallen out with family? where to begin....???
My mother had a car accident 12 years ago. She is now in a wheelchair and requires 24 hour care. There are four children in our family, Im the 2nd eldest. The two older children being me and my older brother are from mums first marriage and the two younger ones are from mums 2nd marriage, my step father. Mums car accident happened when I was about 19, so we were all kinda young and it happened at a really crucial time for us. Us children have always fought. We had fun and played together alot but we also fought alot and they were always hateful fights. When the accident happened we all took on roles.....none of us chose them really it was a natural progression....finding your place in all the chaos. For obvious reasons I slipped into the mother role. I fixed everyone and everything. I supported people and took everyones shit and then forgave them so they could feel better again. I put up with abuse and anger that had nothing to do with me and I carried everyones weight on my shoulders as if it was my own. I have forgiven a million people for a million things and I have made excuses for their behaviour in order to make them feel better about themselves again.
My sister took on the victim role. I know it was hard for her and that she was the youngest that was effected. It was really hard on her as she was tossed from home to home. But you know what???? she loved it! She didnt love that mum had the car accident but she did love the perks that came with it (words from her own mouth). Im not going to go on about her, this isnt an I hate my sister blog but if this blog is about me a what impacts me the most in my life then thats exactly what it should be. She has used and abused everyone in her life.....everyone!!! Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I have broken my ass trying to fix her fuck ups!
Since the accident I have been by mums side. For the past 12 years I have been at her becon call. Sacrificing my own needs and protecting her. I have done this willingly and without need for anything in return. But recent events have left me wounded, hurt and feeling deeply betrayed and unappreciated by both my sister and my mother. I am really really angry with them both! It hurt so much and has left me bitter. I cant see us ever getting back to what we were. This pain is deep and burns.
I feel they are both ungrateful, mean, hurtful, disloyal and thoughtless people and what they did was unforgivable. But whenever you have a falling out with someone you consider family, it leaves a void. It haunts you and because of my sisters nature, shes plays dirty....real dirty! Its disgusting really. So I am constintently left wondering who she has got to. Has she filled peoples heads with bullshit which is what she is reknowned for and I am left feeling unsure of myself and wondering if my relationships with the people I had still solid. I know that the people who know who I am, really know who I am, would never doubt me and would give me the benefit of the doubt in any situation....but in this day and age......you just dont know who those people are. I hate not knowing where I stand....I hate it. Because then I cant act on it! and if you approach people and say is everything alright withus, it makes you look weak....or guilty like youve done something wrong (and I frikin havnt).
There are some things that I have forgotten to consider here....I also suffer from depression and have had bouts on anti depressants. All the people in my life are aware of this but no one takes it seriously and Im left dealing with this almost alone (have been blessed with a few loving people). My symptoms are paranoia, anxiety and sometimes I cant leave the house. I am also a little person (dwarf), so naturally and occasionaly have a few confidence issues (that I hide extremely well, mind you). People that know me would tell you that Im one of the most positive, courageous, confident, strong and happy people they have ever known. People are astounded by my attitude toward life and its obstacles and trials. You know what Iv learnt??? No one wants to know your feeling like shit. No one wants to know that you are suffering from self doubt and are lacking in confidence. They dont want to know that you are hurting or feeling alone. And the few that do want to know....usually are delighted in the fact that you are suffering, which I cant stand!
People want to be surrounded by others who are uplifting and have a strong sense of there identity. They dont want to be around people that bring them down and think little of themselves, because they figure if you think it...then you probably are it!
So in order to be accepted and liked you have put up a front.....so that people want to be around you.....and then what happens?????
All those soul sucking poeple that hate seeing other people on top of things, start judging you. They are suffering so much with there own bullshit that they look for discrepansies in your personality and if they are really bad......they plant a seed and everytime you slip up and be a human being they point it out and try to fuck you over with it!
You just cant win in this world!!!! Whats the secret................how do you survive in this world as someone who suffers from crippling depression and is constantly surrounded by people that dont get it??? Or care to get it!Or make it so so so much worse. My son!!!..................I have no choice but to survive. I have no choice but to better myself. I have no choice but to provide a comfortable loving positive encouraging environment. I have another life to consider.
So what do I do???................keep on trucking. I cant change other people but I can decide what kind of person I am. I cant stop people from acting a certain way but I can control how I go about things. I cant change how other people act in times of confrontation but I can choose how I deal in these situations. I cant change what other poeple think of me but I can beleive in myself and love me unconditonaly.
So how do I make the shift....from being the victim to being in control of my emotions again???
Make a plan......do something I enjoy....indulge myself.....maybe have a wine. Tommorrow is a new day......I will wake in the morning.....do positive affirmations.....kiss my beautiful son....make myself beautiful and tell myself the truth....I am strong.....I am a good person.....I am super gorgeous :) I am worthy of respect and I am doing Okay!!!!
Wow!!! Look at all this shit.......and still I can manage to be happy.......have to be doing something right.

Got Dumped Again

2008-04-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dont think it was cause of my fat ass...??? Oh men are fucked!!! So are woman.....we are all fucked!!! We either dont know what we want, know what we want and cant find it, have what we wanted and miss what we had before we found it....or found it but it doesnt want you.....Thats what just happened to me. I was sick of falling for the wrong guy time after freaken time. And im 31 yrs old damn it. It was time for a new approach....so I went for someone older. I found this amazing man....lets call him....Phillip. Anyway, all was well...I met him online through a dating site....id done it a million times and scored heaps too (which was also loads of fun) if your into dead end skanking, and can fool yourself into thinking that 'your' using them!!....yeah right! Anyway um and I saw this guy 38 years old and thought why not all the younger ones dont know what they want, ima get me a man....so I did. And well 4 months later...here I am alone again. And I ask myself is it something im doing wrong.....and the answer I always come up with is "no way" your the perfect woman :-) Im super high maintenance. I keep digging for hidden messages and little things they do so I can take them away and analyse it until iv twisted it so severly iv convince myself they are in love with me. There are some fucking idiots out there man. Even my perfect brothers are assholes to there woman....I rekon theres a man drought....thats why us chicks have to put up with so much shit...cause theres a shortage. And because of this shortage guys can actually stay being wankers or will find a chick who will put up with a wanker.....I dont know....maybe im a wanker magnet. So anyway I rang the guy iv been seeing and said that if he cant see a future for us then I want to start seeing other people....and the fucker said OK....and then apologised for hurting me and tried to comfort me which pissed me off more cause I aint no victim.....asshole. So anyway hes actually a really nice guy but doesnt want me......hes gotta be on something LOL and im still a happy lady......must be doing something right!

My Fat Ass!

2008-04-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

I hate it, but obviously not enough to actually do something about it. Oh what a load of rubbish.....I do something about it all the time. I spend heaps of freaken money on shit that doesnt work. LikeDiets, equipment, pills, potions blah blah....who hasnt right?? Thing is....all those things work if youve got "will power", thats the shit they need to bottle. I dont eat cause Im hungry or cause im sad or whatever...I do it cause im bored. It makes me happy fills in time and tastes real good if its done right. Oh and I dont like eating the food I cook. I know its good cause everyone goes hard on it. Its just that bought food tastes better. Figure that shit out???? Im like at least 15 if not 20 kgs heavier than I should be and have put it all on over the past 3 years or something. I like lost heaps after having my son and was super slim and then as I became good at multi tasking and bored when he was sleeping id start munching again. I think its disgusting and look at myself in the mirror and think "fat cow". And im a person that loves who I am "I think"??? Well im usually really optimistic?? When im seeing a guy I tend to lose weight......dont wanna eat heaps in front of a guy......who wants a chick who feeds her face?? . Actually heaps of men like a woman with a good apetite. Its that Im to busy wanting bootie when Im with guys anyway so easily distracted from food. So yeah thats fat old me....looking for some frikin will power.....and Im not waiting for prince charming to save me either.....I have more trouble when it comes to men then I do with having a fat ass. And still im a pretty frikin happy lady.....must be doing something right!